“Why didn’t they just leave?” It may sound like a simple even well-meaning question, but domestic violence is not simple. This question, even if it’s unintentional, places the blame on the victim and not the abuser. When looking from the outside in, it can certainly seem that staying is the most dangerous option.
Leaving an abusive relationship is rarely as easy as packing a bag, walking out the door, and starting over. For many survivors, leaving can be one of the most dangerous and difficult decisions they will ever make. Abuse is about power and control and can involve emotional manipulation, financial control, threats, isolation, stalking, physical violence, sexual violence and coercive control. An abuser may deliberately create circumstances that make leaving feel impossible or extremely dangerous.
It is helpful to think about what an abuser is doing to make their victim feel it is safer to stay than to leave.
Leaving Itself Can Be Dangerous
One of the most important things to understand about domestic violence is that leaving does not necessarily make someone immediately safer. In fact, separation can be a particularly dangerous time for a survivor. An abuser who feels they are losing control may escalate threats, stalking, harassment, and/or violence. A survivor may have good reason to believe that leaving could put them, their children, and their pets at greater risk.
Without understanding the circumstances, an outsider may unintentionally encourage a survivor to take an action that could increase their immediate danger. Safety planning with a trained domestic violence advocate can help survivors consider their individual circumstances and identify safer options.
Four Better Questions to Ponder
Did you know some victims have no access to money? Controlling money is a powerful and debilitating way an abuser can keep their victim in check. Financial abuse can include preventing someone taking their paycheck, controlling bank accounts, refusing to provide necessary money, creating debt in their name, or preventing them from accessing financial information. Some even go so far as to keep their victim from working at all. Imagine being told to leave an abusive relationship when you have no money, no access to a bank account, and nowhere to live. For someone on the outside, leaving may seem like the obvious answer. For the person experiencing it, leaving could mean homelessness, hunger, or an inability to provide for their children. Financial independence can be a major factor in a survivor’s ability to establish a safe and stable life after leaving.
Telling someone they should just leave also ignores the realities faced by parents. A survivor may worry about where their children will live, how they will afford childcare, whether they can maintain employment, or what will happen if the abusive partner seeks custody. An abuser may use children as a tool of control by threatening to take them away, threatening to harm them, or using custody and visitation to continue exerting control after separation. A survivor may also worry about disrupting their children’s lives or exposing them to an even more volatile situation. These concerns do not mean a survivor does not want to protect their children. Appeasing their abuser is often seen as the safest option.
Abusers often work to isolate their partners from the people who could help them.
They may criticize family members and friends, create conflicts between the survivor and their support system, control transportation, or make it difficult for the survivor to participate in work or social activities. Over time, a survivor may become increasingly isolated. When someone has been told repeatedly that nobody else cares about them, that nobody will believe them, or that they cannot survive on their own, reaching out for help can seem incredibly difficult.
Abusive relationships are not necessarily abusive every minute of every day, and typically not abusive to every person in their life. Domestic violence often follows a pattern called the Cycle of Abuse that can include periods of tension, an abusive incident, and a period of reconciliation or calm. After an abusive incident, an abuser may apologize, promise to change, give gifts, become unusually affectionate or insist that the abuse will never happen again. This period can create hope that things will improve. A survivor may remember the person they fell in love with and believe that person is still there. They may hope the relationship can return to the way it was before the abuse began. This does not mean the survivor is naive or choosing abuse. It means they are responding to a complicated relationship in which love, fear, hope, and manipulation can exist at the same time.
Leaving an abusive relationship is a deeply personal decision, involving often emotional, financial, legal, and safety considerations. Every situation is different and nobody knows the circumstances complicating leaving as well as the survivor. Survivors deserve support whether they are preparing to leave, have recently left, have returned to the relationship or are not ready to leave at all. At Family Justice Center, we can help create safer communities by believing survivors, refusing to blame them and making sure they know they do not have to navigate abuse alone.
If you or someone you know is experiencing domestic violence, we can help plan how to stay safe. All our services are free, confidential and survivor centered. Visit us at 1418 E. Pythian Street or give us a call at 417-874-2600. We are open 8:30 AM to 4:00 PM, Monday through Friday. For after-hours assistance, call the Harmony House/Victim Center’s 24-hour safe line at 417-864-SAFE (7233). If you are in immediate danger, please call 911.
About GCFJC
The Greene County Family Justice Center is a non-profit collaborative of local agencies offering comprehensive services to survivors of domestic, sexual, and family violence. Our services are trauma-informed, survivor-centered, and we welcome survivors at any point in their process. We partner with local non-profit service providers as well as local law enforcement, the Prosecutor’s office, and Children’s Division to make victim services more accessible and completely voluntary. If you do not want to participate in the criminal justice process, we support you.
Our vision is a future where we all work together to meet the needs of domestic violence and human trafficking survivors through comprehensive and accessible services, education, and perpetrator accountability. Through a coordinated framework and co-located response, we strive to break the vicious generational cycle and community impact of domestic violence and resulting victimizations.
We can help you plan for your safety whether you plan to stay in the relationship, or you are actively trying to escape. All our services are free, confidential and survivor centered. Have questions about what services are available? Visit us at 1418 E. Pythian Street or give us a call at 417-874-2600. We are open 8:30 AM to 4:00 PM, Monday through Friday. For after-hours assistance, call the Harmony House/Victim Center’s 24-hour safe line at 417-864-SAFE (7233). If you are in immediate danger, please call 911.