Domestic violence can affect nearly every part of a survivor’s life. The physical injuries may eventually heal, but the emotional effects of abuse can last much longer. Among the feelings many survivors experience are guilt and shame.
A survivor may wonder why they didn’t leave sooner and how they didn’t realize what was going on. They may also blame themselves for “letting” the abuse happen and they may wonder what people will think of them if they find out. Having these thoughts is a normal part of the trauma of abuse and understanding where guilt and shame come from can be an important part of healing.
Guilt and shame often develop in response to the manipulation, threats, criticism, and coercive control that characterize abusive relationships. But it’s important to remember that the responsibility for abuse belongs solely to the person who chooses to abuse.
An abusive person may repeatedly blame their partner for their behavior, criticize their decisions, call them names, or insist that the abuse is somehow deserved. Over time, those messages can become internalized, and a survivor may begin to believe the things their abuser has told them.
Why Do Survivors Feel Guilt and Shame?
Leaving an abusive relationship is rarely as simple as making the decision and walking away. An abusive partner may use financial control, threats, isolation, intimidation, stalking, manipulation, children, pets or other forms of coercive control to make leaving more difficult or dangerous.
A survivor may also have spent years adapting their behavior to try to prevent the next incident. They may have learned to anticipate their partner’s moods, avoid certain subjects, or make themselves smaller in an effort to stay safe.
Looking back on those choices from a place of greater safety can make it easy to think they should have reacted differently. But hindsight does not account for what the survivor knew, feared or had access to at the time, and it is important to remember that survival decisions are not the same thing as consenting to abuse.
Abuse is often also accompanied by messages that attack a person’s sense of worth. Shame can be reinforced by the stigma surrounding domestic violence. Survivors may worry that friends, family members, coworkers or even professionals will judge them for staying or returning to an abusive relationship. As a result, some survivors keep the abuse secret or withdraw from people who could support them.
The Emotional Effects of Guilt and Shame
Persistent guilt and shame can affect how survivors see themselves and their relationships with others.
A survivor may experience:
- Low self-esteem
- Anxiety or fear
- Difficulty trusting others
- Isolation
- Feelings of helplessness
- Difficulty making decisions
- Persistent self-criticism
- Difficulty accepting compliments or kindness
- Feeling undeserving of support
- Difficulty setting boundaries
- Feeling responsible for other people’s emotions or behavior
These feelings can also make it harder to seek help. If someone believes the abuse was somehow their fault, they may feel embarrassed or afraid to tell anyone what happened.
Feeling Guilty Does Not Equal Blame
One of the most important things a survivor can learn is that feeling guilty does not mean they are responsible. A survivor can feel guilty about staying without having done anything wrong. They can feel guilty about how the abuse affected their children without being responsible for the abuse. They can regret decisions they made while trying to survive without accepting blame for another person’s choices or taking responsibility for someone else’s abusive behavior. Arriving at these healthy conclusions is a process of self-compassion.
How to Practice Self-Compassion
When someone has spent years hearing criticism and blame, learning to treat themselves with kindness can feel uncomfortable at first. Self-compassion does not mean ignoring mistakes or pretending painful experiences did not happen. It means responding with the same understanding and care for self that would be extended to others.
Following are some important questions for survivors to consider when working on self-compassion.
- Would I say this to a friend?
If a friend told you they had stayed in an abusive relationship because they were afraid, would you tell them they were weak or foolish? Or would you recognize that they were doing what they could in a difficult and frightening situation?
Try extending that same compassion to yourself.
- Try replacing “Why didn’t I?” with “What was I dealing with?”
- Replace “Why didn’t I leave?” with “What barriers was I facing?”
- Replace “Why did I let this happen?” with “What was I doing to survive?”
- Replace “Why didn’t I see the warning signs?” with “What information did I have at the time, and what did I need to feel safe?”
Changing the wording of questions may seem simple but it can help change the way we understand our own experiences.
Healing from abuse is not always linear. A survivor may feel strong one day and overwhelmed the next. They may experience anger, grief, relief, sadness, fear, or even guilt about feeling relieved. There is no single timeline for recovery.
Self-compassion means allowing yourself to heal at your own pace and recognizing that difficult emotions do not mean you are failing. It may also mean accepting help. A trusted friend, counselor, advocate or support organization can provide a safe place to process what happened and begin rebuilding a sense of safety and self-worth.
Perhaps the most important message for survivors is to reinforce that they did not cause the abuse and in no way is it their fault. Whether or not they stayed, returned, struggled to leave, or made choices they wish they could change does not make them responsible for someone else’s behavior. Guilt and shame may be part of the story, but they do not have to define survivors.
With support, time and self-compassion, survivors can begin to separate the things that happened to them from the way they see themselves. They can begin replacing self-blame with understanding and replace shame with compassion.
If you or someone you know is experiencing domestic violence, we can help plan how to stay safe. All our services are free, confidential and survivor centered. Visit us at 1418 E. Pythian Street or give us a call at 417-874-2600. We are open 8:30 AM to 4:00 PM, Monday through Friday. For after-hours assistance, call the Harmony House/Victim Center’s 24-hour safe line at 417-864-SAFE (7233). If you are in immediate danger, please call 911.
About GCFJC
The Greene County Family Justice Center is a non-profit collaborative of local agencies offering comprehensive services to survivors of domestic, sexual, and family violence. Our services are trauma-informed, survivor-centered, and we welcome survivors at any point in their process. We partner with local non-profit service providers as well as local law enforcement, the Prosecutor’s office, and Children’s Division to make victim services more accessible and completely voluntary. If you do not want to participate in the criminal justice process, we support you.
Our vision is a future where we all work together to meet the needs of domestic violence and human trafficking survivors through comprehensive and accessible services, education, and perpetrator accountability. Through a coordinated framework and co-located response, we strive to break the vicious generational cycle and community impact of domestic violence and resulting victimizations.
We can help you plan for your safety whether you plan to stay in the relationship, or you are actively trying to escape. All our services are free, confidential and survivor centered. Have questions about what services are available? Visit us at 1418 E. Pythian Street or give us a call at 417-874-2600. We are open 8:30 AM to 4:00 PM, Monday through Friday. For after-hours assistance, call the Harmony House/Victim Center’s 24-hour safe line at 417-864-SAFE (7233). If you are in immediate danger, please call 911.