Reactive abuse occurs when someone who is experiencing ongoing abuse responds to their abuser with behaviors that may appear aggressive, confrontational, or harmful. These reactions are often preceded by prolonged verbal, emotional, psychological, or physical torment that leave the victim feeling cornered or powerless.

These reactions can then be used by the abuser to shift blame, distort the narrative, and paint the victim as the aggressor in an incredibly complicated form of gaslighting.

How Reactive Abuse is Misunderstood

One of the most harmful aspects of reactive abuse is how it can be misinterpreted by outsiders and even by the victim themselves. Abusers often weaponize the victim’s response, using it to justify their own abusive actions or to manipulate others into believing they are the ones being harmed.

This manipulation of reactive abuse is particularly damaging because it often creates confusion in the victim. Many begin to question their own behavior, wondering if they truly are abusive. This self-doubt can lead to feelings of guilt, shame, and a reluctance to seek help, reinforcing the cycle of abuse. Over time, some victims even start to consider and/or refer to their situation as “mutual abuse” because they believe they are doing the same thing as their abuser. This then gives the abuser even more power because they can misrepresent the situation and play the victim, sewing confusion and creating a dangerous and seemingly endless cycle.

Emotional Toll

Victims of reactive abuse often grapple with a complex mix of emotions like believing their reactions justify the abuse, feeling ashamed of their own outburst, even if it was provoked, worrying that others will side with the abuser or misunderstand the situation. All of this can lead to lasting trauma.

The abuser’s ability to manipulate the narrative adds another layer of trauma, making it harder for the victim to recognize the true nature of the situation.

Understanding the difference between reactive abuse and true abusive behavior is critical.

• Context matters – Reactive abuse occurs in response to prolonged mistreatment, whereas abuse stems from a desire to control and dominate.
• Patterns vs. incidents – Abusers show a consistent pattern of harmful behavior, while victims’ reactions are often isolated incidents in moments of extreme stress or fear.
• Intent and power dynamics – Abusers seek power. Victims in reactive situations are typically responding to feeling powerless.

Supporting Victims of Reactive Abuse

Reactive abuse can be hard to understand but there are steps you can take if you or someone you know thinks they are experiencing it.

• Learning about reactive abuse can help victims and their supporters recognize their situation.
• Keeping a record of abusive behaviors can help clarify the context if outside intervention is needed.
• Seeking out support and validation from friends, family, and support groups.
• Creating a safety plan or reaching out to local domestic violence organizations.

Reactive abuse should never overshadow the primary issue, which is the original abuse and it’s important to approach these situations with empathy and a commitment to uncovering the full story.

Reactive abuse is not a sign of weakness or culpability, it’s a human response to inhumane circumstances. Recognizing this can pave the way for accountability, healing, and ultimately, freedom from abuse.

If you or someone you know is experiencing domestic violence, we can help plan how to stay safe. All our services are free, confidential and survivor centered. Visit us at 1418 E. Pythian Street or give us a call at 417-874-2600. We are open 8:30 AM to 4:00 PM, Monday through Friday. For after-hours assistance, call the Harmony House/Victim Center’s 24-hour safe line at 417-864-SAFE (7233). If you are in immediate danger, please call 911.

About GCFJC

The Greene County Family Justice Center is a non-profit collaborative of local agencies offering comprehensive services to survivors of domestic, sexual, and family violence. Our services are trauma-informed, survivor-centered, and we welcome survivors at any point in their process. We partner with local non-profit service providers as well as local law enforcement, the Prosecutor’s office, and Children’s Division to make victim services more accessible and completely voluntary. If you do not want to participate in the criminal justice process, we support you.

Our vision is a future where we all work together to meet the needs of domestic violence and human trafficking survivors through comprehensive and accessible services, education, and perpetrator accountability. Through a coordinated framework and co-located response, we strive to break the vicious generational cycle and community impact of domestic violence and resulting victimizations.

We can help you plan for your safety whether you plan to stay in the relationship, or you are actively trying to escape. All our services are free, confidential and survivor centered. Have questions about what services are available? Visit us at 1418 E. Pythian Street or give us a call at 417-874-2600. We are open 8:30 AM to 4:00 PM, Monday through Friday. For after-hours assistance, call the Harmony House/Victim Center’s 24-hour safe line at 417-864-SAFE (7233). If you are in immediate danger, please call 911.